Restoring Broken Relationships

INTRODUCTION

If you were to be asked, what do you want most out of life? Most of us would rank healthy relationships high on the list. Except for knowing Christ and having eternal life, healthy relationships make life enjoyable perhaps more than anything else. Even if your health isn’t the best, if you have loving relationships, you can enjoy life. You can make a lot of money, but if your relationships are broken or shallow, your life will be empty. A poor man with a loving family and good friends is far richer than a rich man who is poor relationally.

The Bible ranks healthy relationships as the most important thing in life. A Jewish religious expert asked Jesus, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” – St. Matthew 22:26. Jesus responding by saying, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. 40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets” – Matthew 22:37-40.

A loving relationship with God is of first importance, but loving relationships with others is second. The Bible emphasizes healthy relationships so highly and so it’s sad that there are so many believers who have hurting or broken relationships. Many Christian homes have been shattered by divorce. Some who stay married are unhappy. Their homes are a tense battleground, not a loving refuge. Many Christian parents are at odds with their children and the children with their parents. On the church level, some members go from church to church, leaving a trail of damaged relationships behind. There are many Christians who won’t speak to other Christians because of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and wrongs that have taken place. Sadly, the loving families, genuine friendships, and healthy relationships that we want most out of life often elude many.

However, this doesn’t have to be so because relationships are always worth restoring because the Christian life is all about learning how to love. God wants us to value relationships and make every effort to maintain them instead of discarding them whenever there is a hurt or a conflict.

God has given us the ministry of restoring relationships! That’s why a significant amount of the New Testament is devoted to teaching us how to get along with one another.

Philippians 2:1-2 (MSG) If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care — then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends.

Paul taught that our ability to get along with others is a mark of spiritual maturity. “May our dependably steady and warmly personal God develop maturity in you so that you get along with each other as well as Jesus gets along with us all. Then we’ll be a choir—not our voices only, but our very lives singing in harmony in a stunning anthem to the God and Father of our Master Jesus!” - Romans 15:5-6 (MSG)

Since God wants His family to be known for our love for each other, broken fellowship is a disgraceful testimony to unbelievers. “By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another” - John 13:35 (KJV).

That is why Paul was so embarrassed that the members of the church in Corinth were fighting and even taking each other to court. He was shocked that no one in the church was mature enough to resolve the conflict peaceably.

• “Dare any of you, having a matter against another, go to law before the unjust, and not before the saints? 2 Do ye not know that the saints shall judge the world? and if the world shall be judged by you, are ye unworthy to judge the smallest matters? 3 Know ye not that we shall judge angels? how much more things that pertain to this life? 4 If then ye have judgments of things pertaining to this life, set them to judge who are least esteemed in the church. 5 I speak to your shame. Is it so, that there is not a wise man among you? no, not one that shall be able to judge between his brethren? 6 But brother goeth to law with brother, and that before the unbelievers. 7 Now therefore there is utterly a fault among you, because ye go to law one with another. Why do ye not rather take wrong? why do ye not rather suffer yourselves to be defrauded? 8 Nay, ye do wrong, and defraud, and that your brethren” – 1 Corinthians 6:1-8.

• “How is it that when you have something against another Christian, you “go to law” and ask a heathen court to decide the matter instead of taking it to other Christians to decide which of you is right? 2 Don’t you know that someday we Christians are going to judge and govern the world? So why can’t you decide even these little things among yourselves? 3 Don’t you realize that we Christians will judge and reward the very angels in heaven? So you should be able to decide your problems down here on earth easily enough. 4 Why then go to outside judges who are not even Christians? 5 I am trying to make you ashamed. Isn’t there anyone in all the church who is wise enough to decide these arguments? 6 But, instead, one Christian sues another and accuses his Christian brother in front of unbelievers. 7 To have such lawsuits at all is a real defeat for you as Christians. Why not just accept mistreatment and leave it at that? It would be far more honoring to the Lord to let yourselves be cheated. 8 But, instead, you yourselves are the ones who do wrong, cheating others, even your own brothers” - 1 Corinthians 6:1-8 (TLB).

If you want God’s blessing on your life – and if you want to be known as a child of God – you must learn to be a peacemaker.

“Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God” - Matthew 5:9 (KJV). “God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God” - Matthew 5:9 (NLT). Notice that Jesus didn’t say “blessed are the peace lovers” because everyone loves peace! He didn’t say “blessed are the peaceable” because some people are too clueless to be disturbed by anything! Jesus said, “blessed are those who work for peace, who actively seek to resolve conflict.” Peacemakers are rare because peacemaking is hard work!

What peacemaking is NOT:

It is not AVOIDING the problem

Running from a problem, pretending it doesn’t exist, or being afraid to talk about it is cowardice. Jesus, the Prince of Peace, was never afraid of conflict – sometimes He even provoked conflict! “51 Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: 52 For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. 53 The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law, and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law” – St. Luke 12:51-53. The point that Jesus is making here is that there is a price one must pay for being a faithful steward and when you exercise that choice to be obedient to God this may cause division among families because they don’t agree with  your choice to serve God. You must never compromise the truth because someone is now angry with you for obeying the written word of God. Jesus tells us in St. Luke 14:26 that  “If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.” The message of this verse is that we must love all others less, including ourselves.

It is not APPEASING the problem

Always giving in, acting like a doormat, and allowing others to run over you is not what Jesus meant. He refused to back down on many issues and stood His ground in the face of opposition.

HOW TO RESTORE A RELATIONSHIP

Talk to God before talking to the person.

• If you pray about the conflict first instead of gossiping to a friend, you give God a chance to change hearts – yours, theirs, or both!
• All our relationships would go smoother if we would just pray more about them.
• Read the Psalms and you will learn David’s secret: VENTILATE VERTICALLY! God is never surprised by your feelings anyway.
• Most conflict is rooted in UNMET NEEDS. Any time we expect anyone to meet a need that only God can fulfill, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and bitterness.
• “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God” - James 4:1-2 (NIV).

Always take the initiative.

• It doesn’t matter whether you are the offender or the offended – God expects YOU to make the first move! Don’t wait on them.
• Restoring broken fellowship is so important that Jesus said it should take priority over worship!
• “If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God” - Matthew 5:23-24 (MSG).
• In conflict, TIME HEALS NOTHING! It just causes hurt to fester.
• Acting quickly also reduces the spiritual damage to you, because sin (including unresolved conflict) blocks our fellowship with God and keeps our prayers from being answered.
• 1 Peter 3:7 (NJB) Husbands must always treat their wives with consideration in their life together ... This will prevent anything from coming in the way of your prayers.

Sympathize with their feelings.

• Here’s a good rule for life – use your ears more than your mouth! Begin with sympathy, not solutions. Focus on their feelings, not the facts. Listen while they unload without being defensive. You can understand even when you don’t agree.
• Psalm 73:21-22 (TEV) When my thoughts were bitter and my feelings were hurt, I was as stupid as an animal; I did not understand you.
• Wisdom comes from hearing the perspective of others, even when we do not agree with them.

Confess your part of the conflict.

• Admitting your own mistakes always help you see things more clearly. We all have blind spots, and if we’re not careful, how we handle a conflict creates a bigger hurt than the original problem.
• Matthew 7:5 (NLT) First get rid of the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye.
• 1 John 1:8 (MSG) If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves.

Attack the problem, not the person.

• You cannot fix the problem if you’re consumed with fixing the blame. You must choose between the two. In resolving conflict, HOW you say it is as important as WHAT you say. If you say it offensively, it will be received defensively. You are never persuasive when you’re rude.
• Proverbs 15:1 (CEV) A kind answer soothes angry feelings, but harsh words stir them up.
• Proverbs 16:21 (TEV) A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is.
• Destroy your personal arsenal of relational nuclear weapons, or the “Cold War” will continue forever!

Cooperate as much as possible.

• Peace always has a price tag – sometimes it costs us our pride, and almost always it costs us our self-centeredness.
• Romans 12:18 (TEV) Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody.
• Matthew 5:9 (MSG) You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

Emphasize reconciliation, not resolution.

• It is unrealistic to expect everyone to agree about everything! We can reestablish a relationship even when we can’t resolve our differences. We can disagree without being disagreeable.
• The resolution focuses on the problem, while reconciliation focuses on the relationship. When we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and often becomes irrelevant.
• This doesn’t mean that you give up on finding a solution, it just means that you do it in a spirit of harmony.
• 1 Peter 3:11 (NLT) Work hard at living in peace with others.
• Matthew 5:9 (KJV) Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the
  children of God.

Whom do I need to restore a broken relationship with today?

CONCLUSION

God graciously chose us in love to be set apart to Himself, we should treat others with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forbearance, and forgiveness. His gracious, loving treatment of us is the basis for our treatment of others.
Maybe you’re wondering, “Where do I start?” You may need to begin by focusing on your relationship with God. Have you trusted in Christ as your Savior so that you’ve truly experienced His forgiveness, mercy, and love? You can’t love others as you should until you’re rightly related to God.