The Power of Forgiveness: Why I Shouldn't Forgive

Name of Assembly: United Apostolic Church
Type of service: Bible Study
Date: May 4, 2021
Series Topic: The Power of Forgiveness
Lesson 2: WHY I SHOULD’T FORGIVE
Scripture Text: St. Matthew 18:21-35; 6:14-15

Matthew 6:14-15 (NLT) If you forgive those who sin
against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if
you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive
your sins.

• Many times, in Christian circles, we pay “lip-service” to the idea of forgiveness without dealing honestly with some of the objections people raise. We are prone to tell only one side of the story, extolling the benefits of forgiveness without mentioning how hard it can  sometimes be to truly forgive those who have wronged us.
• Have you ever heard a sermon that made a strong case AGAINST forgiveness? Have you ever heard of a spiritual advisor counseling a victim by saying, “What happened to you is so awful that you would be a fool to forgive – it’s alright to hang on to those feelings of bitterness and hurt for the rest of your life”? No pastor would ever advise someone to do that, for their own good. And yet, that’s exactly what most people choose to do to themselves – to hang on to an offense until it
  adversely affects them.
• The reason we hold on to these feelings is because we build up a rationale against forgiveness in our own minds. We put it together logically, piece by piece, until the case seems airtight to us. And yet, we know instinctively that the actual arguments circulating obsessively in our minds would sound unconvincing to others. So, rather than voice them, we  imply sum them all up with one conclusive statement (or attitude): “I can’t forgive.”
• The real issue many times is not that we CAN’T forgive, it is that we think we SHOULDN’T HAVE TO forgive! After all, if we are the victim, why should we have to do something that is uncomfortable for us? Why should our offender be allowed to get off scot-free?
• Today, let’s put forgiveness itself on trial and weigh the evidence for and against it. Are there legitimate reasons why I should not forgive? Are there times when not letting an offender off the hook is the right option? And am I justified in  feeling the way I do?

THERE ARE 4 REASONS WHY I SHOULDN’T FORGIVE:

1. Forgiveness denies the seriousness of sin.
   • Many people believe that by forgiving, we are denying the severity of an offense – like saying that what our offender did wrong does not really matter. Now, even those same people would probably agree that some offenses are so petty we should overlook them – a forgotten birthday, an interrupted sentence, an unreturned phone call. And the Bible certainly would support this viewpoint:

Proverbs 17:14 (NLT) - Beginning a quarrel is like opening a floodgate, so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.

Proverbs 19:11 (NLT) - People with good sense restrain their anger; they earn esteem by overlooking wrongs.

• • • Solomon is telling us that a wise person is one who does not make a federal case out of every injury they
      experience in life. This is not to say that even small slights are not painful (ever get a paper cut?).

  • But what about major offenses? They should not be overlooked, should they? Is it possible to even treat every offense the same way? It is not humanly comprehensible that something as serious as childhood sexual abuse could be compared to something as trivial as a sarcastic remark from a coworker! How could God possibly expect us to treat them the same?

  • FORGIVENESS DOES NOT TRIVIALIZE OUR PAIN, JUST AS GOD DOES NOT TRIVIALIZE OUR SIN!

  • Some people believe that when God forgives our sins, He overlooks our sins, but that is not what the Bible teaches!

Nahum 1:3a (NLT) - The Lord is slow to get angry, but his power is great, and he never lets the guilty go unpunished.

1. • God’s mercy cannot override His holiness! He does not casually declare that sinners are suddenly righteous and serious offenses are suddenly inconsequential. Our sinful offenses demanded payment ... and that took the agony of Calvary!

   • If a perfect God finds it impossible to just “overlook” sin against Him, how could He expect us to just “overlook” the serious hurts inflicted by others against us?

   • Sin creates an obligation – and someone must pay! If forgiveness is going to simply gloss over the serious wrongs that have been done to me, then I should not have to forgive! Or should I?

2. Forgiveness lets people off the hook too easily.

   • One of the most basic hindrances to forgiveness is the fear of further abuse. We have a legitimate concern that forgiving our offender will give him permission to hurt us even more deeply.
   • Such a legitimate fear about the consequences of forgiveness probably prompted this question from Peter to Jesus ...
   • Matthew 18:21 (NLT) - Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?”
   • Before coming down too hard on Peter for not knowing that there is no limit to forgiveness, ask yourself: “How many times am I willing to forgive a person for committing the SAME SERIOUS OFFENSE against me?” Suddenly, Peter seems quite generous!
   • One popular rabbi in Peter’s day taught that you forgive people three times for the same offense. So Peter was offering more than twice the “going rate” of forgiveness, but he still believed (as do YOU!) that there surely must be SOME LIMIT to prevent ourselves from being taken advantage of!
   • If forgiveness is just going to carelessly let people off the hook to sin again, then I should not have to forgive! Or should I?
3. Forgiveness places too much responsibility on the victim.
   • Quite a convincing argument could be made for the fact that asking victims to “let go of their pain” and deny their desire for justice is placing too much responsibility on the OFFENDED instead of the OFFENDER, blaming the VICTIM instead of the VICTIMIZER.
   • It seems like coming across the mangled body of a hit-and-run victim and telling them to take care of their own injuries while you go tell the driver of the car not to worry about it!
   • Isn’t it unrealistic to place the forgiveness burden on the victim of the wrong? Is it logical to expect them to be able to let go of serious hurts? Aren’t we asking them to do the impossible?
   • The word of God gives us the distinct impression that He does not exempt us from tasks just because they are  unfair or difficult ...
   • Matthew 5:38-41 (CEV) - You know that you have been taught, “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.” But I  tell you not to try to get even with a person who has done something to you. When someone slaps your right  cheek, turn and let that person slap your other cheek. If someone sues you for your shirt, give up your coat as well. If a soldier forces you to carry his pack one mile, carry it two miles.
   • Is it reasonable for God to expect this of us? It does not seem right that a victim would have to struggle for years to get victory over something they did not cause or deserve, while their offender just goes on with life as though nothing happened!
   • If forgiveness is going to place such a heavy burden on my shoulders, then I should not have to forgive! Or should I?
4. Forgiveness is unfair.
   • Gradually, as we have considered these legitimate objections to forgiveness, we have inadvertently uncovered the bottom-line argument on which all other objections to forgiveness are based. Have you detected it lurking in the background, hidden behind the words spoken earlier? It is this: FORGIVENESS IS UNFAIR!
   • All of us are created in the image of God, and regardless of how badly that image has been marred by sin, we still retain a sense of innate fairness. When we see a wrong committed, we instinctively know that it is unjust for that wrong to go unpunished!
   • Isn’t there something fundamentally unfair in letting our offenders go free without any consequences? And if forgiveness is essentially unfair, then I should not have to forgive! Or should I?

      

DEFINING FORGIVENESS

• All these rational objections arise from a basic misunderstanding of the concept of forgiveness. Before we define the word biblically, let us state what forgiveness is NOT:
  
  • It is not denying the reality of your pain.
  • It is not letting your offender off the hook.
  • It is not blaming you, the victim.
  • It is not unfair. (God cannot do anything unfair!)
  • Romans 9:14 (AMP) What shall we conclude then? Is there injustice upon God’s part? Certainly not!
• If forgiveness is “none of the above,” then what is it? The Greek word translated “forgive” carries the idea of a release from some type of obligation, most commonly a financial obligation. That is how Jesus most often illustrated the concept of forgiveness.

Luke 7:41-42 (NLT) Then Jesus told him this story: “A man loaned money to two people—five hundred pieces of
silver to one and fifty pieces to the other. But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both,
canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?”

• The moneylender chose to RELEASE both debtors from their very real obligations – the money owed was not a figment of his imagination!
  • He had a legal right to be repaid – he was the innocent party.
  • The borrowers had a legal obligation to pay.
  • There was a deficit between their debt and their resources.
• The rule of accounting said that the books had to be balanced! The greatest misunderstanding about forgiveness is that it is simply overlooking someone else’s transgression. The truth of the matter is that SOMEONE ALWAYS HAS TO PAY, BECAUSE AN OFFENSE ALWAYS CREATES AN OBLIGATION THAT MUST BE SATISFIED.

ILLUSTRATION: Someone rear-ends your car at a stoplight, and when you get out you take one look and know it is going to cost a lot of money to repair the damage. You are standing there fuming when a little old lady gets out of the other car and begins to weep. Between sobs she tells you that she is a retired missionary who has limited resources and no insurance. You tell her to forget it, that you will take care of the damage. The next day when you take the car to the mechanic and he hands you a $2000 estimate, who is going to pay for the repairs? YOU ARE! You let the other driver off the hook! The offense created an obligation that must be satisfied, but there was a deficit between her obligation to pay and her resources to pay. However, the deficit did not just evaporate into thin air – you decided to cover it YOURSELF.

• This is the essence of forgiveness! When we forgive ...
  
  • We acknowledge that a wrong has occurred.
  • We recognize that there is an obligation for repayment.
  • We CHOOSE to release our offender from that obligation and to cover the loss ourselves.
  • Most of us have no trouble with the first two because we are expert record keepers! The stumbling block for us is
    the third ingredient of forgiveness! Why should I have to suffer the consequences myself when there are many reasons WHY I SHOULDN’T FORGIVE my offender?
• Jesus’ answer to Peter’s question about forgiveness anticipated such objections and offers us some compelling reasons to unilaterally forgive:

Matthew 18:22 (CEV) Jesus answered: Not just seven times, but seventy-seven times!

• Perhaps after a brief pause to let the impact of His statement settle in the minds of His listeners, Jesus relates a dramatic and unforgettable story to drive His point home:

Matthew 18:23-27 (NLT) “For this reason, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. He couldn’t pay, so the king ordered that he, his wife, his children, and everything he had be sold to pay the debt. But the man fell down before the king and begged  im, ‘Oh, sir, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ Then the king was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.

• Although the servant has absolutely no way to make even the smallest dent in such a huge debt, he begs for just a little more time to try. What a pitiful sight, to see him begging before the king – and what a beautiful thing the king did, because he felt compassion for the man. This is a perfect illustration of forgiveness ...
  • The servant owed a very real debt to the king.
  • The king had every right to expect repayment of the debt.
  • But the king voluntarily released the servant from his obligation and covered the loss himself.
• We have talked about some logical reasons WHY I SHOULDN’T FORGIVE. But now that I understand better what forgiveness is, there are some equally strong reasons why I should make a CHOICE to take the initiative and RELEASE my offender.

THERE ARE 4 STRONG REASONS WHY I SHOULD FORGIVE:

1. Forgiveness is often the only way to settle a debt.
   • Realistically, what alternative to forgiveness did the king have? He did not have to release the slave, but would the slave’s imprisonment have resulted in even one dollar returning to the king? Was there any advantage to be gained by demanding that the slave remain behind bars for the rest of his life?
   • THE KING WAS SMART ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT HE WAS HOLDING A DEBT THAT WAS  UNCOLLECTIBLE!
   • Many people struggle with offering forgiveness because they are unaware that they are holding a worthless debt. They mistakenly believe that there is some payment they can extract from their offender that will compensate for their loss.
   • Understandably, they want vengeance. But the truth is that very few have the resources to pay for their offenses!
   • What satisfactory payment could someone give you to compensate for a child killed by a drunk driver? A reputation slandered by a false rumor? A marriage destroyed by infidelity? A childhood innocence stolen by an immoral relative?
   • Mahatma Gandhi observed, “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth cannot sustain itself forever; ultimately both parties end up blind and toothless.”
   • Suddenly Jesus’ command of “turning the other cheek” appears more reasonable! Forgiveness is sometimes the only way to break the endless cycle of hurt and unfairness.

2. Forgiveness frees us to get on with our life.

   • THE KING WAS ALSO SMART ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT HE HAD TOO MANY RESPONSIBILITIES TO ALLOW HIMSELF TO BE DISTRACTED BY ONE SLAVE’S OBLIGATION.

   • Sometimes the only sensible option is to cut our losses rather than risk needless preoccupation with a hopeless situation. Why should the king spend every waking moment checking with the royal bookkeeper and neglect the rest of his kingdom duties?

   • Each one of us will have many situations arise in life where we are much more concerned about someone’s obligation to us than they are! But if we hold on to the offense, we in effect become an emotional hostage to our offender.

   • Comedian Buddy Hackett once said, “I’ve had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you are carrying a grudge, they’re out dancing.”

   • One of the best reasons for forgiving someone is not what it does for them, but what it does for you! Letting go of a rattlesnake might help the snake, but it benefits you as well!

   • Hebrews 12:1b (NLT) Let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us.

3. Forgiveness is an antidote to needless suffering.

   • Can you imagine the relief the servant must have felt as he left the palace, knowing that his million-dollar debt had been forgiven? But suddenly, an evil thought entered his mind ...

   • Matthew 18:28-35 (NLT) - “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and jailed until the debt could be paid in full. “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him what had happened. Then the king called in
     the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison until he had paid every penny. “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters in your heart.”

   • Did you notice what Jesus added at the end of this story? THAT’S WHAT MY HEAVENLY FATHER WILL DO TO YOU IF YOU REFUSE TO FORGIVE! The laws of God decree that those who refuse to forgive enter their own private torture chamber, sentencing themselves to a lifetime of needless pain.

   • John MacArthur observes, “Unforgiveness is a toxin. It poisons the heart and mind with bitterness, distorting one’s whole perspective on life. Anger, resentment, and sorrow begin to overshadow and overwhelm the unforgiving person – a kind of soul- pollution that enflames evil appetites and evil emotions.”

   • THE BIBLE’S TERM FOR UNFORGIVENESS IS “BITTERNESS.” The Greek word translated as “bitter” comes from a word meaning “sharp” or “pointed.” Just as there are certain tastes and smells that are “sharp” to the senses, all of us can recall offenses committed against us that may have occurred years ago but still hurt us when we turn them over in our mind. Do not risk poisoning your life by holding on to a grievance!

   • Hebrews 12:15 (AMP) Exercise foresight and be on the watch to look [after one another] ... in order that no root of resentment (rancor, bitterness, or hatred) shoots forth and causes trouble and bitter torment, and the many become contaminated and defiled by it.

   • WITH EVERY OFFENSE COMES A CHOICE! We can hold on to it and become bitter, or we can release it and become better. James Garfield had been president of the United States for less than four months when he was shot in the back with a revolver on July 2, 1881. While the president remained conscious, the doctor probed the
     wound with his little finger, unsuccessfully trying to detect the bullet. Over the course of the summer, teams of doctors tried to locate the bullet. The president clung to life through July and August, but in September he finally died – not from the gunshot wound but from infection. The repeated probing of the wound, which the doctor thought would help the president, ultimately killed him.

   • CONTINUALLY RELIVING THE HURTS WE’VE EXPERIENCED INFECTS NOT ONLY OUR LIFE, BUT THE LIVES OF THOSE AROUND US. ONE OF THE STRONGEST ARGUMENTS FOR FORGIVENESS IS THE  CONSEQUENCES OF UNFORGIVENESS!

   • Frederick Buechner observes, “Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back – in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.”

4. Forgiveness is the obligation of the forgiven.

   • The Bible teaches that there is an inseparable link between receiving and granting forgiveness. Jesus’ parable teaches us that our personal sin against God has produced an obligation we could never hope to repay. BUT THE KING FORGAVE US!

   • But Jesus’ parable also has stern words for us in our relationships with those who wrong us. We may have every RIGHT to “collect the debt they owe,” but we have a higher OBLIGATION to release them from that debt, considering that we have been forgiven so much.

   • FORGIVENESS IS THE OBLIGATION OF THE FORGIVEN! While the pain that someone has inflicted on us is REAL, it is INSIGNIFICANT compared to the wrong we have committed against God. That is the ultimate reason why we should forgive!